The stat man. This fan knows everything about the Scotland team. He knows who the kit man is. He knows how old every player in the squad is and can tell you to within 5% what the average attendance at Murrayfield has been over the last 10 seasons.
Most likely to say: “Duncan Taylor has better defending numbers than any of the other eligible centres.”
The Six Nations only fan. Visible only in February and March of each year and then, like the wind, they are gone. This fan asks, “Why isn’t player x in the squad?” unaware that said player retired from International rugby in the autumn of the previous year (eg Laidlaw, G). This fan will have every item of Scottish Rugby kit but will never have set foot inside an actual rugby club. If this fan was an animal they’d be a grizzly bear. In hibernation for much of the year and only visible in the spring.
Most likely to say: “East 5 is a rubbish place to see the game”.
The #AsOne fan. They won’t countenance any criticism of the SRU or the players. Even if, like now Scottish Rugby is in disarray off and on the field they are blindly optimistic. Anyone whose attitude doesn’t marry with theirs is told to just get behind the team. Every year this fan puts a bet on for Scotland to win the grand slam and are then curiously quiet when it all goes tits up, again. Their one and only complaint will be about when the SRU send out their tickets. This fan will tell you that Gregor Townsend, or Toony as they insist on calling him, must be right because he is the coach.
Most likely to say: “#InToonyWeTrust.”
The Long in the Tooth fan. This fan will be a member of a grass roots rugby club. I know this because they never fail to tell you right before they enlighten you that it wasn’t like this in their day. They are a ‘real’ rugby fan because apparently standing in the pissing rain beside a muddy field with 3 men and a dog is apparently a rite of passage. If you get in a discussion with this fan about the game, you’ll probably get asked, “did you actually play rugby” in a patronising tone because playing for Old Pisspoorians 3rd XV or coaching mini rugby is akin to being on a par with Warren Gatland or Eddie Jones.
Most Likely to say: “the games gone soft”.
The Superficial Optimist whose bubble is easily burst. This person is in a group that suffers more than any other group of Scotland fans. In the run up to the Six Nations or the World Cup they will believe with all their heart and then when our opening game is an unmitigated disaster they will declare, “that’s it, I’m not wasting any more time on this shower” and they’ll maintain that demeanour until the next tournament by which time their bubble will have slowly refilled. If this fan was furniture they’d be a garden swing. Our Editor is regularly one of these.
Most likely to say: “Grand Slam this year lads”.
The party animal. This person doesn’t actually care about rugby. They’ve been meeting their pals on the back pitches at Murrayfield every year since 1987 and someone will always get so drunk they’ll wake up In Llanelli in the back of a team bus. They’ll retell the drinking stories endlessly but they have to check the BBC Sport website to confirm what the score was. This is also the fan that will return to their seat in the 75th minute with 15 beers much to the delight of the older couple between his seat and the aisle. For this fan it’s all about the craic. If this person was a holiday tour company they’d be Club 18-30.
Most likely to say: “Well we had fun, anyway”.
The blogger or podcaster. The worst of all Scotland fans. They’ll never admit it but secretly they hope Scotland are poor because it’s easier to pull something apart than put it together, and they know that ill-informed waffle dressed up as analysis brings more readers and listeners. In their hearts they wish they were Stephen Jones.
Most likely to say: “Yes, please send freebies”.