Scottish Rugby News and Opinion


12 Things You Never Knew About Simon Berghan*

It’s the off-season and there is no news apart from some sporadic world cup kit announcements (Scotland’s will appear in a week or so, we hear) and a whole host of clickbait designed to drive traffic to attention-starved rugby sites. We decided to get in on the act with a list of things you never knew about Scottish prop Simon Berghan (are we sure we’re doing this right? – Ed.)

  1. Simon Berghan is a bear – Simon Berghan can often be found hunting salmon in the Water of Leith, swatting the fish from the water with his giant paws. In the winter Simon Berghan hibernates. Simon Berghan loves marmalade sandwiches.
  2. Simon Berghan likes watching TV – in an interview with someone from a magazine or a newspaper Simon Berghan revealed that he likes watching telly, possibly Columbo.
  3. Simon Berghan’s beard is made from tiny metal shavings – Simon Berghan is able to keep them in place by inserting magnets into his cheeks every morning.
  4. Simon Berghan is a keen amateur chef – His favourite meal to cook for himself and others in the Edinburgh squad is a Pot Noodle.
  5. Simon Berghan can lift his own body weight in feathers – Simon Berghan can lift his own body weight in feathers however they would have to be arranged in a way that wasn’t awkward for him to carry. You couldn’t just pile them up and expect him to lift them. You’d have to put them in bags or something. Just because he can, doesn’t mean he will.
  6. Simon Berghan’s favourite Haribos are Tangfastics – Simon Berghan has no time for Starmmix.
  7. Simon Berghan is not not related to Trevor and Simon, Paul Simon or Simon Le Bon – Simon is Simon Berghan’s forename and that’s not how it works.
  8. Simon Berghan is not from Iceland – Simon Berghan doesn’t even shop in Iceland. He prefers Farmfoods.
  9. Simon Berghan’s favourite Disney movie is “The Brave Little Toaster” – Simon Berghan cries when [SPOILER] the Brave Little Toaster sacrifices itself in the junkyard crusher to save the other appliances.
  10. Simon Berghan wanted to be Spider-Man when he grew up – Unfortunately he has been unable to find any radioactive spiders in Edinburgh Zoo. Many people have told Simon Berghan that a bite from a radioactive spider would make him very ill. Simon Berghan does not believe them. He has a restraining order preventing him from bringing any spider within 5 miles of Torness Power Station.
  11. Simon Berghan believes the moon landings were faked – Simon Berghan believes the moon landings were faked because the real moon is made from cheese and how come the astronauts didn’t bring back moon cheese.
  12. Simon’s 1971 hit single “You’re So Vain” is thought to be about Warren Beatty – Simon had an affair with Beatty the previous year.

Next week – “5 Rugby Players who got jobs in Property after stopping playing rugby” and “6 hairstyles that would not suit Peter Horne”.

*Please note – we’ve no idea if any of the above is true. At least one of these facts is about the popular singer Carly Simon. Simon Berghan probably loves Starmix. But we can’t wait to read the Scotsman article about it.

18 Responses

  1. Reminder to commenters old a new to please keep to topic. There are plenty of forums around where you can post your chosen XVs and other musings etc.

    This article is about Simon Berghan and so we will only be accepting comments about Simon Berghan.

    Thank you kindly

  2. Simon Berghan is a master juggler, however he has limited his talents to mechanical instruments for the past few years. The reason for this he keeps as a tightly maintained secret.

  3. Simon Bergan plagiarises other peoples content in national newspapers.

    He also can play both sides of the front row, as long as he is playing the other side too.

  4. You could of at least done a real 12 facts about where he is from, what he actually does do away from rugby as well as his playing career, his chances of making WC etc, that would of been a lot more interesting.

    That or something like “12 facts about our tighthead props” if you were struggling for information on just one, and then left it open to debate who is the first choice etc.

    I hope this is not taken the wrong way, just a thought.

  5. Thank you, appreciated. Though, question why Simon Berghan would overlook rings, gummy bears and fried eggs (not cola bottles) from the Starmix?

  6. Simon Bergan believes his body is possessed by a black bird. During scrums he can sometimes be seen pitter pattering his knees off the turf to simulate rain fall in the hope of inducing earth worms to rise to the surface to supplement his diet.
    Simon Bergan does not like 3G pitches.

  7. I would love Simon Berghan to leave a comment on this article……please?!? You’d be a star (the Great Bear of course)

  8. Leave comedy to comedians and stick to writing about rugby as this is about as funny as toothache .

  9. Simon Berghan’s name spelt backwards is NAHGREB NOMIS….coincidence or conspiracy?!?

    1. Simon Berghan is an anagram of Onion Hambergas – his favourite food other than pot noodles.
      Well, nearly.

  10. Here is a wee out of season “Anyone seen Dougie Donnelly”

    Kelly Brown boarded the Easy jet flight from Embra to Lutonn last night-it might have been the eye brows , the square jaw or even the SRU bag he was carrying that tipped me off as to his possible identity-but still impressively fit looking for someone in his late thirties although possibly not carryng quite as much beef as before. Did not chat to him as boarded at separate ends of the plane otherwise might have tried for a selfie-not sure if it is an intrusion or not so in a way glad I didn’t get the chance to ask. Weird seeing one of your heroes in the flesh:)

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Scottish Rugby News and Opinion