It’s the off-season and there is no news apart from some sporadic world cup kit announcements (Scotland’s will appear in a week or so, we hear) and a whole host of clickbait designed to drive traffic to attention-starved rugby sites. We decided to get in on the act with a list of things you never knew about Scottish prop Simon Berghan (are we sure we’re doing this right? – Ed.)
- Simon Berghan is a bear – Simon Berghan can often be found hunting salmon in the Water of Leith, swatting the fish from the water with his giant paws. In the winter Simon Berghan hibernates. Simon Berghan loves marmalade sandwiches.
- Simon Berghan likes watching TV – in an interview with someone from a magazine or a newspaper Simon Berghan revealed that he likes watching telly, possibly Columbo.
- Simon Berghan’s beard is made from tiny metal shavings – Simon Berghan is able to keep them in place by inserting magnets into his cheeks every morning.
- Simon Berghan is a keen amateur chef – His favourite meal to cook for himself and others in the Edinburgh squad is a Pot Noodle.
- Simon Berghan can lift his own body weight in feathers – Simon Berghan can lift his own body weight in feathers however they would have to be arranged in a way that wasn’t awkward for him to carry. You couldn’t just pile them up and expect him to lift them. You’d have to put them in bags or something. Just because he can, doesn’t mean he will.
- Simon Berghan’s favourite Haribos are Tangfastics – Simon Berghan has no time for Starmmix.
- Simon Berghan is not not related to Trevor and Simon, Paul Simon or Simon Le Bon – Simon is Simon Berghan’s forename and that’s not how it works.
- Simon Berghan is not from Iceland – Simon Berghan doesn’t even shop in Iceland. He prefers Farmfoods.
- Simon Berghan’s favourite Disney movie is “The Brave Little Toaster” – Simon Berghan cries when [SPOILER] the Brave Little Toaster sacrifices itself in the junkyard crusher to save the other appliances.
- Simon Berghan wanted to be Spider-Man when he grew up – Unfortunately he has been unable to find any radioactive spiders in Edinburgh Zoo. Many people have told Simon Berghan that a bite from a radioactive spider would make him very ill. Simon Berghan does not believe them. He has a restraining order preventing him from bringing any spider within 5 miles of Torness Power Station.
- Simon Berghan believes the moon landings were faked – Simon Berghan believes the moon landings were faked because the real moon is made from cheese and how come the astronauts didn’t bring back moon cheese.
- Simon’s 1971 hit single “You’re So Vain” is thought to be about Warren Beatty – Simon had an affair with Beatty the previous year.
Next week – “5 Rugby Players who got jobs in Property after stopping playing rugby” and “6 hairstyles that would not suit Peter Horne”.
*Please note – we’ve no idea if any of the above is true. At least one of these facts is about the popular singer Carly Simon. Simon Berghan probably loves Starmix. But we can’t wait to read the Scotsman article about it.