Many of these rugby player’s nicknames have arisen over the last few years of watching rugby with Al and the gang, and the rest seem to be common knowledge, so just in case you wonder who the hell we’re on about, here is a rundown. If you get confused, think how they must feel in Wales where everyone is “Jonesy”.

Contributions welcome. Some of the newer ones have also been found in the Scottish Rugby Miscellany, available from fine booksellers everywhere.

Scottish Players

Big Nathan - Nathan Hines. The time honoured Scottish tradition of calling tall people Big Man may have something to do with this. As in “Go on big Nathan, have a wee run”. See also, Big Jim (Hamilton), Big Jason (White) and Big Rory (Lamont, who is bigger than Wee Rory Lawson). We hear he may also be called Wagga, after the place of his birth (thanks Bob).
Chunk - Allan Jacobsen. Not hard to guess the origin of this one. Comes from a long line of classic prop nicknames such as “Mighty Mouse” or “Teapot”.
Goggsy - Gordon Ross
Malkovich - Simon Webster. I will try and find a picture that proves the resemblance between him and John Malkovich.
Monty - Sean Lamont, although this could be quantified by calling Rory Lamont “Monty Lamont” or “Monty II” or something.
Mossy - Chris Paterson seems to get called this regularly. Anyone know the origin of this? (see Bill’s comment below for more)
Muffles - Andy Henderson. Apparently this is Graeme Morrison’s pet name for him
Parko - Dan Parks. Seemed suitably more Australian than “Parksy” or “fanny baws”.
Posh - Hugo Southwell. I suspect this may be due to the tragic shortage of Hugos in everyday Scottish life. To me, he’ll always be HUUUUUUGOOOOOOOOO. Yes, if you hear that coming from the stands, and think to yourself “which tit shouted that?”, it’s probably me.
Stroker - Alisdair Strokosch.
Tony Blair - David Blair. Clever one, eh?
World Class Phil - Phil Godman. Based on Frank Hadden’s assertion that Godman was a world class attacking runner. I think it may have been just before the Italy game last year.

Overseas Players & Past Players

Mostly I just call them by an incorrect but similar (or middle) name, eg Barry O’ Driscoll or Brian Habana. Who knows what madness lies in the hearts of men but the fact I am known by my middle name due to no fault of my own may have something to do with it. Others of note that have come to my attention:

Bernie - Stephen Larkham. Named after the corpse in Weekend at Bernies.
Basil - Brian Redpath. Currently a coach at Gloucester, I wonder if this is still in use!
Del Boy - Damian Cronin.
Nobody - John Eales. A classic, why? Because nobody’s perfect.
Ronnie - Mark Regan. This is almost clever, loving a good pun as I do.
Sinbad - James Simpson-Daniel
Too Tall - Richard Metcalfe, apparently. Hope this clears things up (see comments)

Also worth having a look at: Western Force Supporters site, which has quite a few antipodean rugby nicknames. Quite a few funny ones on here, including Sam “Two-Dads” Norton-Knight and Anton “Grenade Face” Oliver!

Others

Honourable mention also goes to Scubbsy, a New Zealand fan who we sat beside during the World Cup match at Murrayfield who was dressed in a wetsuit - leaving little to the imagination - and a bum bag. After a few minutes snoozing, his similarly attired comrade’s chants of “Man up Scubbsy” became our own catchphrase for the ensuing World Cup tour. Scubbsy, we salute you.